Hi Myah just wanted to say a quick hi and I love u and miss you.....I wish that this got easier, but it just doesn't. I feel you everyday though. I just wish I could touch you one more time. I love you.
Mommy
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
hey there little one...
Hi there Myah. It's just mommy again, feeling really sad...like usual. Lots of different things have happened in the last week or so....I hope you are looking out for me daddy and Zoey.
Lots of mixed emotions today, can't believe you have been gone 5 months already...it feels like yesterday....
I have been having a lot of break through episodes, I guess that is what you would call them. It is like for a second about once everyday I am ok with what happened...I understand that there is nothing I can do to change anything, and life seems a little easier to go along with...
....but then there are the other billion seconds in the day, and those are sometimes just too painful to relive.....I know there is no answer....no reason that you are gone; and I am sure it would be no easier if there were....but yet I search for the reasons.....they haunt me.....when will they ever go away...when can I be at peace with your life and your death? When?
Why is life meant to torment so many....I just don't understand this world Myah.
I was watching Oprah yesterday, you know I can't really stand her, but for some reason I was watching. It was a show on spirituality. A lot of the things they said I didn't agree with...some lady on there thought her life was over because she was losing her business, a Bakery. I know that is really sad but I bet she would be worse if losing a child....that is all I could think about. What I wouldn't give to lose my job or my business to have you back...
Then there was an inspirational story on there about a poor woman who went into the hospital for a scheduled csection, delivered a healthy child, but got an overwhelming flesh eating infection and lost both her arms and her legs. Can you imagine? All I could think about Myah in that moment is that I would give anything to be in a wheelchair, with no arms or legs, but have you here with me. I would let death come and take me right now...right at this moment if that meant I could bring you back. You were not done living....I could be.
Maybe there is a reason that I am here and you are not....but children should not die....I would like to make that rule.
I miss you more than I have ever missed anything Myah. I feel like the hole in my heart is growing bigger and bigger and I can't stop but imagine what you would be doing now....walking...probably running from me....and smiling and laughing...oh your laughter was so beautiful. I can't wait to hear it again....
Mommy
Lots of mixed emotions today, can't believe you have been gone 5 months already...it feels like yesterday....
I have been having a lot of break through episodes, I guess that is what you would call them. It is like for a second about once everyday I am ok with what happened...I understand that there is nothing I can do to change anything, and life seems a little easier to go along with...
....but then there are the other billion seconds in the day, and those are sometimes just too painful to relive.....I know there is no answer....no reason that you are gone; and I am sure it would be no easier if there were....but yet I search for the reasons.....they haunt me.....when will they ever go away...when can I be at peace with your life and your death? When?
Why is life meant to torment so many....I just don't understand this world Myah.
I was watching Oprah yesterday, you know I can't really stand her, but for some reason I was watching. It was a show on spirituality. A lot of the things they said I didn't agree with...some lady on there thought her life was over because she was losing her business, a Bakery. I know that is really sad but I bet she would be worse if losing a child....that is all I could think about. What I wouldn't give to lose my job or my business to have you back...
Then there was an inspirational story on there about a poor woman who went into the hospital for a scheduled csection, delivered a healthy child, but got an overwhelming flesh eating infection and lost both her arms and her legs. Can you imagine? All I could think about Myah in that moment is that I would give anything to be in a wheelchair, with no arms or legs, but have you here with me. I would let death come and take me right now...right at this moment if that meant I could bring you back. You were not done living....I could be.
Maybe there is a reason that I am here and you are not....but children should not die....I would like to make that rule.
I miss you more than I have ever missed anything Myah. I feel like the hole in my heart is growing bigger and bigger and I can't stop but imagine what you would be doing now....walking...probably running from me....and smiling and laughing...oh your laughter was so beautiful. I can't wait to hear it again....
Mommy
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
angry...sad...
Hey baby, just having a rough night!! I watched the video's that uncle Justin captured with his cell phone around Christmas time, and I loved seeing you alive and happy....just loved it. I am having a hard time with the reality of all of this. It's like it isn't real still, I don't know how to make it real. I know you are gone but it doesn' t seem final.....I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I am so sad all the time, I miss you so much. I want to know why you were taken from me. I am so pissed off that I am here still and you aren't. I wish I was with you, or you with me, but the latter is probably asking too much. I am still waiting to dream about you....please come to me soon.
Mommy
Mommy
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