Happy Birthday

I can't believe you would be 2 tomorrow Myah. It seems like just yesterday that we brought you home from the hosptial.

I am still so shocked and angry that you aren't here anymore. Why? The questions keep coming after all this time but the answers are so far away.

I know that I have said it a million times but I feel like my love for you is so much stronger than even before you left. I feel connected to you still, almost like you are here.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and get to celebrate your life. We will be celebrating here. Zoey and I are going to make a cake and we are going to get some balloons, grab Daddy and go to the cemetary to be with you for a bit. So many people want to help me get through tomorrow, but I know that you are the only one that can help, so please do.

As you know you have a little sister in my tummy. I know you put her there for me, and I can't tell you what that means to me. Just help me to be a good mom and not to compare her to you because that will be hard shoes to fill. Most days I don't even feel like I deserve her, but you must so that is good enough for me.

Please just know that we love you so much. Zoey is excited that tomorrow is your birthday, she sees me crying all the time and I really think she is beginning to understand things. She says every once in a while that you are going to come back, it is so sweet. I know she has missed out on so many great opportunities with you, it makes me so sad.

Happy Brithday sweet girl. I love you so much and miss you with all my heart.

Mommy

hi sweetheart

Hey Myah, thinking a lot about you the last few days, just wanted to say hi. Some things have changed around here, but I am sure you know that :)

I have tons of mixed emotions, not sure what or how to feel. I just keep thinking back to that terrible winter day in January, and I can' t help but feel broken inside.

I keep thinking about what you would be like now, almost 2 years old. It hurts so much Myah. The pain is so overwhelming and cruel. There wasn't a day that goes by, and there still isn't, that I didn't love you with all of my heart and I tried to keep you safe. I think about you constantly, I want so badly for this to be untrue and for you to be here with me. I hate the fact that you are gone and I am left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

You are my angel, I so look forward to the day I will see you again. I hope that you can forgive me, I am trying really hard to forgive myself.

Love Mommy.

6 months

hey baby...miss u so much. Can't believe that Saturday was 6 months since u have been gone. It just doesn' t even seem real yet. I hope you caught one of the balloons we sent up to you last night...I wrote a really special message on there, so did Zoey...I am sure you read them :)

Daddy says hi, he loves u and misses u too, everday. I hope you are having a blast and playing and growing up to be a big girl.

Miss u and love u forever,

Mommy

miss you

Hi Myah just wanted to say a quick hi and I love u and miss you.....I wish that this got easier, but it just doesn't. I feel you everyday though. I just wish I could touch you one more time. I love you.

Mommy

hey there little one...

Hi there Myah. It's just mommy again, feeling really sad...like usual. Lots of different things have happened in the last week or so....I hope you are looking out for me daddy and Zoey.

Lots of mixed emotions today, can't believe you have been gone 5 months already...it feels like yesterday....

I have been having a lot of break through episodes, I guess that is what you would call them. It is like for a second about once everyday I am ok with what happened...I understand that there is nothing I can do to change anything, and life seems a little easier to go along with...

....but then there are the other billion seconds in the day, and those are sometimes just too painful to relive.....I know there is no answer....no reason that you are gone; and I am sure it would be no easier if there were....but yet I search for the reasons.....they haunt me.....when will they ever go away...when can I be at peace with your life and your death? When?

Why is life meant to torment so many....I just don't understand this world Myah.

I was watching Oprah yesterday, you know I can't really stand her, but for some reason I was watching. It was a show on spirituality. A lot of the things they said I didn't agree with...some lady on there thought her life was over because she was losing her business, a Bakery. I know that is really sad but I bet she would be worse if losing a child....that is all I could think about. What I wouldn't give to lose my job or my business to have you back...

Then there was an inspirational story on there about a poor woman who went into the hospital for a scheduled csection, delivered a healthy child, but got an overwhelming flesh eating infection and lost both her arms and her legs. Can you imagine? All I could think about Myah in that moment is that I would give anything to be in a wheelchair, with no arms or legs, but have you here with me. I would let death come and take me right now...right at this moment if that meant I could bring you back. You were not done living....I could be.

Maybe there is a reason that I am here and you are not....but children should not die....I would like to make that rule.

I miss you more than I have ever missed anything Myah. I feel like the hole in my heart is growing bigger and bigger and I can't stop but imagine what you would be doing now....walking...probably running from me....and smiling and laughing...oh your laughter was so beautiful. I can't wait to hear it again....

Mommy

angry...sad...

Hey baby, just having a rough night!! I watched the video's that uncle Justin captured with his cell phone around Christmas time, and I loved seeing you alive and happy....just loved it. I am having a hard time with the reality of all of this. It's like it isn't real still, I don't know how to make it real. I know you are gone but it doesn' t seem final.....I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I am so sad all the time, I miss you so much. I want to know why you were taken from me. I am so pissed off that I am here still and you aren't. I wish I was with you, or you with me, but the latter is probably asking too much. I am still waiting to dream about you....please come to me soon.

Mommy

Thinking about you

Hey Myah I have been thinking about you ALOT today, and very sad today. I miss u so much, just wish I was dealing with all of this better :)

Mommy loves u always and forever!

18 MONTHS OLD

Hey baby!! I am sitting here crying thinking about you being 18 months old tomorrow. I miss you so much. Sometimes I sit here and think about the fact that you are actually gone and not coming back. You would think I would have gotten past that by now.

I love thinking about what you would be like. How long your hair would have gotten (probably not much lol), how fast you would be running, if you would be talking much, if the little gap between your front teeth would still be there....and many more of course.....it is hard for mommy to come to terms with the fact that I will never know the answer to those questions....

I find myself having a lot of trouble lately, thinking about what you looked like when I found you. Out of all of this I wish I could erase that from my memory the most....why does that haunt me so much? Why can't I concentrate on the beautiful pictures of you? I feel like I am having post-traumatic stress or something sometimes.

We took Zoey this week to Erin's house, it is a support group for grieving children, she had a really good time. I had to dragg your daddy to go with me, but he made it through :)

I hope you are doing ok, I hope you are playing with Grandpa DeVries, and all your other family member up there. Just incase you didn't know, he loves pickels!!

Miss you baby girl, every second, every minute, every hour of every day....and forever!!

Mommy

Hey there baby cakes!!!

Hi Myah, just wanted to say hello!! I just got back from my Compassionate Friends meeting, it was good, I love going there because it is one time a month that I can sit there for 2 hours and think of nothing but you. I miss you so much, I was talking to you on the way home tonight, hoping you would answer.

Although you probably know this, we are having a little celebration for you this Saturday. We are finally going to put you in your resting place. I love having you here though, I feel like we are still connected because your urn is here. I do know though that it is only your body that I have with me, physically, and your soul is already else where. But I still like having it around. A lot of people feel like I need to do this, like it will give me closure. I am not sure that it will, but I wanted to wait for a nice day to do it, so I guess the nice days are here for the most part.

Just know that a few close family and friends will be there with us, and then we are going to come back here for dinner and maybe cake :)

Just know that I love you so much it hurts, and I wish I could have you back in my arms.

Daddy and Zoey say hi, Zoey really misses you!!! We planted a garden in the back yard for you, and Zoey tells everyone that it is Sissy's garden. She really talks a lot about you now. It is going to be so hard for her to grow up without you. You are our guardian angel, and she will come to understand that.

Daddy doesn't like to talk about these things very much, it makes him really sad. So just help him along in his grief ok? He needs your help.

Mommy

Guilt

Hello my baby girl. I miss you so much!!! I just had to write tonight, even though I should be in bed. A few of my support group friends were worried about me and sent me a little booklet on guilt during bereavement. I kind of rolled my eyes and thought oh great another book, but you know what this one really helped. It didn't tell me to not feel guilty. It didn't tell me that everything happens for a reason. It just gave coping strategies for guilt.

I started reading it, no problem, but then things really started to make sense. The description of the guilty parent was pretty much me. Why didn't I do this...why didn't I do that, I should have done this...I should have done that...even though I know you are gone and nothing I can do can bring you back I still have these overwhelming feelings inside.

Then I read a passage in the book.

(listed as a coping skill)
Realize that , when the death occurred, you were doing the best you could and that you were likey doing what you would have normally been doing at the time.

My response to this was it wasn't the best I could do because I should have checked the heater since I was not the one that put you to bed that night.

Then the passage reads (after the coping skill)

If, after reading the previous statement, you are saying, "No, I didn't," then please follow me on this. When the illness, accident, homicide or suicide occurred, what were you doing at the time? When you made a decision that related to the death, you likely made the decision with the best information you had at that time.

Myah, I have to admit that after reading that I broke down. I mean really broke down. It is the truth. As much as I blame myself I know that I would never intentionally put you in harms way, and I had set the heater before we left that night. It is unrealistic to think I should have known it got turned up, or that we shouldn't have went out that night. So at the exact time of your death, I did the best that I could do with the information that I had. Looking back on things it is so easy for me to say oh yes, we shouldn' t have used a space heater (which I don't think anyone should with small children, now). But we did, we used one for ourselves for many years before we had children, and we used one with Zoey with no problems. It just sucks that we are learning this lesson the hard way. And I know that everyone says that it is the guilt talking when I speak about the heater, since nothing was found in the autopsy that shows overheating. But I know, and your daddy knows, that the heater somehow affected your death. We will never be convinced otherwise. I just love you so much and I want you to know how I feel. The guilt burden is finally easing, but I don't think it will ever be completely gone.

Daddy, Zoey and I love you so much. Next time we are out playing send a butterfly or something our way. I would love that.

Mommy

Hello my baby girl

Hi honey. I just wanted to stop and say hi to you. I know I say it everyday in my head but I thought I would write some stuff down.

Unfortunately we have to go back to Wisconsin this week because Grandma Schmidt passed away on Saturday. It was very peaceful, and she passed quickly. I know Grandpa is struggling right now, but I know that he will be ok. How hard it must be though to lose two wifes to cancer. Please welcome her into heaven and introduce yourself to her, she never got to meet you.

So Daddy and I will be going up there this Tuesday, we are going to take uncle Robby and uncle Adam with us. I think that Zoey might stay with Grandma Carroll, only because the long drive is hard for her and I know she doesn't understand death very well.

I wanted to talk to you about Zoey. She has been having some sad days. She has been vocalizing a lot lately that she misses you. She is confused about life and death right now. I think she is starting to feel abandoned by you, and you and I both know that is not the case. She just doesn't understand why you are not here anymore. I think at the beginning time had no meaning to her. The weeks and months that have passed have felt like days to her.

So keep her close to you now if you can. I bought a picture frame today to put a picture of the both of you in. It says 'Chance made us sisters, our hearts made us friends.' She talks about you a lot lately and asks things like if she got to hold you, and I tell her yes and show her the pictures. She loves babies right now, it must be her age.

I don't know if I want her to be alone forever Myah. Daddy and I are thinking about trying to have more children, which will not be easy, unfortunately. We have a lot of decisions to make and we just want to make the right ones. Please help me in this decision if you can. Just know that no baby will ever replace the spot in my heart that you hold. You opened my eyes to a whole new world of love and I am eternally great full to you for that. I will love you until I breathe my last breath on this earth and then I will love you even more because we will rest, together.

Love,

Mommy

Hi sweet pea...Mommy is having a hard night, missing you so much, and still asking WHY?? I had a good conversation with a close friend today, and I said to her..."I find myself not only asking myself why this happened to me, but also why not me?" No one deserves this....but who am I to ask why?

I just want to feel you again. Touch your smooth skin, stroke your hair....smell you. I just want you. Only you. How do I keep going? How do I wait for our reunion? I just don't know sometimes. Please keep an eye over me. If you can let me know you are around me that would be great...but I might not be ready for that yet. When you think I am...please do. You were the thing that I never thought I would have....and now you are gone and I am left to deal with it. Just know I love you more than my own life....watch out for me ok...somedays I am just not too strong...

Love you forever and ever

Mommy

Hi punkin!

Hey baby, I hope you are ok..I think about you constantly....

Daddy and Zoey and mommy went to Wisconsin this past weekend to visit your great-grandma, she is sick and not doing very well. She will be with you soon I think. I know you never got to meet her, but make her feel right at home up in heaven ok? I love you and miss you so much.

Mommy

Video's

Myah I was watching some video's that have of you today and it made me break down. I miss you so much, I never knew I could miss a person this much. Zoey just got done telling me 'it is ok mommy sissy wants to come back.' She is getting so smart! I know you would come back to me if you could!! Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and the joy that you gave me in your short little life. I love you so much baby...until next time...

Mommy misses you baby girl!!

Hi Myah! Mommy created this so that I could have a place to talk just to you. I miss you so much, my heart aches for your sweet laugh, and your big smile. I love you more than life. Daddy misses you too, we talk about you all the time, how smart you were, and how beautiful. Zoey still thinks that you are up in the clouds, and we know you are. She kisses your picture every night before bed (and so do I). I will write again soon. I love you.