Guilt

Hello my baby girl. I miss you so much!!! I just had to write tonight, even though I should be in bed. A few of my support group friends were worried about me and sent me a little booklet on guilt during bereavement. I kind of rolled my eyes and thought oh great another book, but you know what this one really helped. It didn't tell me to not feel guilty. It didn't tell me that everything happens for a reason. It just gave coping strategies for guilt.

I started reading it, no problem, but then things really started to make sense. The description of the guilty parent was pretty much me. Why didn't I do this...why didn't I do that, I should have done this...I should have done that...even though I know you are gone and nothing I can do can bring you back I still have these overwhelming feelings inside.

Then I read a passage in the book.

(listed as a coping skill)
Realize that , when the death occurred, you were doing the best you could and that you were likey doing what you would have normally been doing at the time.

My response to this was it wasn't the best I could do because I should have checked the heater since I was not the one that put you to bed that night.

Then the passage reads (after the coping skill)

If, after reading the previous statement, you are saying, "No, I didn't," then please follow me on this. When the illness, accident, homicide or suicide occurred, what were you doing at the time? When you made a decision that related to the death, you likely made the decision with the best information you had at that time.

Myah, I have to admit that after reading that I broke down. I mean really broke down. It is the truth. As much as I blame myself I know that I would never intentionally put you in harms way, and I had set the heater before we left that night. It is unrealistic to think I should have known it got turned up, or that we shouldn't have went out that night. So at the exact time of your death, I did the best that I could do with the information that I had. Looking back on things it is so easy for me to say oh yes, we shouldn' t have used a space heater (which I don't think anyone should with small children, now). But we did, we used one for ourselves for many years before we had children, and we used one with Zoey with no problems. It just sucks that we are learning this lesson the hard way. And I know that everyone says that it is the guilt talking when I speak about the heater, since nothing was found in the autopsy that shows overheating. But I know, and your daddy knows, that the heater somehow affected your death. We will never be convinced otherwise. I just love you so much and I want you to know how I feel. The guilt burden is finally easing, but I don't think it will ever be completely gone.

Daddy, Zoey and I love you so much. Next time we are out playing send a butterfly or something our way. I would love that.

Mommy

Hello my baby girl

Hi honey. I just wanted to stop and say hi to you. I know I say it everyday in my head but I thought I would write some stuff down.

Unfortunately we have to go back to Wisconsin this week because Grandma Schmidt passed away on Saturday. It was very peaceful, and she passed quickly. I know Grandpa is struggling right now, but I know that he will be ok. How hard it must be though to lose two wifes to cancer. Please welcome her into heaven and introduce yourself to her, she never got to meet you.

So Daddy and I will be going up there this Tuesday, we are going to take uncle Robby and uncle Adam with us. I think that Zoey might stay with Grandma Carroll, only because the long drive is hard for her and I know she doesn't understand death very well.

I wanted to talk to you about Zoey. She has been having some sad days. She has been vocalizing a lot lately that she misses you. She is confused about life and death right now. I think she is starting to feel abandoned by you, and you and I both know that is not the case. She just doesn't understand why you are not here anymore. I think at the beginning time had no meaning to her. The weeks and months that have passed have felt like days to her.

So keep her close to you now if you can. I bought a picture frame today to put a picture of the both of you in. It says 'Chance made us sisters, our hearts made us friends.' She talks about you a lot lately and asks things like if she got to hold you, and I tell her yes and show her the pictures. She loves babies right now, it must be her age.

I don't know if I want her to be alone forever Myah. Daddy and I are thinking about trying to have more children, which will not be easy, unfortunately. We have a lot of decisions to make and we just want to make the right ones. Please help me in this decision if you can. Just know that no baby will ever replace the spot in my heart that you hold. You opened my eyes to a whole new world of love and I am eternally great full to you for that. I will love you until I breathe my last breath on this earth and then I will love you even more because we will rest, together.

Love,

Mommy

Hi sweet pea...Mommy is having a hard night, missing you so much, and still asking WHY?? I had a good conversation with a close friend today, and I said to her..."I find myself not only asking myself why this happened to me, but also why not me?" No one deserves this....but who am I to ask why?

I just want to feel you again. Touch your smooth skin, stroke your hair....smell you. I just want you. Only you. How do I keep going? How do I wait for our reunion? I just don't know sometimes. Please keep an eye over me. If you can let me know you are around me that would be great...but I might not be ready for that yet. When you think I am...please do. You were the thing that I never thought I would have....and now you are gone and I am left to deal with it. Just know I love you more than my own life....watch out for me ok...somedays I am just not too strong...

Love you forever and ever

Mommy