Guilt

Hello my baby girl. I miss you so much!!! I just had to write tonight, even though I should be in bed. A few of my support group friends were worried about me and sent me a little booklet on guilt during bereavement. I kind of rolled my eyes and thought oh great another book, but you know what this one really helped. It didn't tell me to not feel guilty. It didn't tell me that everything happens for a reason. It just gave coping strategies for guilt.

I started reading it, no problem, but then things really started to make sense. The description of the guilty parent was pretty much me. Why didn't I do this...why didn't I do that, I should have done this...I should have done that...even though I know you are gone and nothing I can do can bring you back I still have these overwhelming feelings inside.

Then I read a passage in the book.

(listed as a coping skill)
Realize that , when the death occurred, you were doing the best you could and that you were likey doing what you would have normally been doing at the time.

My response to this was it wasn't the best I could do because I should have checked the heater since I was not the one that put you to bed that night.

Then the passage reads (after the coping skill)

If, after reading the previous statement, you are saying, "No, I didn't," then please follow me on this. When the illness, accident, homicide or suicide occurred, what were you doing at the time? When you made a decision that related to the death, you likely made the decision with the best information you had at that time.

Myah, I have to admit that after reading that I broke down. I mean really broke down. It is the truth. As much as I blame myself I know that I would never intentionally put you in harms way, and I had set the heater before we left that night. It is unrealistic to think I should have known it got turned up, or that we shouldn't have went out that night. So at the exact time of your death, I did the best that I could do with the information that I had. Looking back on things it is so easy for me to say oh yes, we shouldn' t have used a space heater (which I don't think anyone should with small children, now). But we did, we used one for ourselves for many years before we had children, and we used one with Zoey with no problems. It just sucks that we are learning this lesson the hard way. And I know that everyone says that it is the guilt talking when I speak about the heater, since nothing was found in the autopsy that shows overheating. But I know, and your daddy knows, that the heater somehow affected your death. We will never be convinced otherwise. I just love you so much and I want you to know how I feel. The guilt burden is finally easing, but I don't think it will ever be completely gone.

Daddy, Zoey and I love you so much. Next time we are out playing send a butterfly or something our way. I would love that.

Mommy