Happy Birthday

I can't believe you would be 2 tomorrow Myah. It seems like just yesterday that we brought you home from the hosptial.

I am still so shocked and angry that you aren't here anymore. Why? The questions keep coming after all this time but the answers are so far away.

I know that I have said it a million times but I feel like my love for you is so much stronger than even before you left. I feel connected to you still, almost like you are here.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and get to celebrate your life. We will be celebrating here. Zoey and I are going to make a cake and we are going to get some balloons, grab Daddy and go to the cemetary to be with you for a bit. So many people want to help me get through tomorrow, but I know that you are the only one that can help, so please do.

As you know you have a little sister in my tummy. I know you put her there for me, and I can't tell you what that means to me. Just help me to be a good mom and not to compare her to you because that will be hard shoes to fill. Most days I don't even feel like I deserve her, but you must so that is good enough for me.

Please just know that we love you so much. Zoey is excited that tomorrow is your birthday, she sees me crying all the time and I really think she is beginning to understand things. She says every once in a while that you are going to come back, it is so sweet. I know she has missed out on so many great opportunities with you, it makes me so sad.

Happy Brithday sweet girl. I love you so much and miss you with all my heart.

Mommy

hi sweetheart

Hey Myah, thinking a lot about you the last few days, just wanted to say hi. Some things have changed around here, but I am sure you know that :)

I have tons of mixed emotions, not sure what or how to feel. I just keep thinking back to that terrible winter day in January, and I can' t help but feel broken inside.

I keep thinking about what you would be like now, almost 2 years old. It hurts so much Myah. The pain is so overwhelming and cruel. There wasn't a day that goes by, and there still isn't, that I didn't love you with all of my heart and I tried to keep you safe. I think about you constantly, I want so badly for this to be untrue and for you to be here with me. I hate the fact that you are gone and I am left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

You are my angel, I so look forward to the day I will see you again. I hope that you can forgive me, I am trying really hard to forgive myself.

Love Mommy.

6 months

hey baby...miss u so much. Can't believe that Saturday was 6 months since u have been gone. It just doesn' t even seem real yet. I hope you caught one of the balloons we sent up to you last night...I wrote a really special message on there, so did Zoey...I am sure you read them :)

Daddy says hi, he loves u and misses u too, everday. I hope you are having a blast and playing and growing up to be a big girl.

Miss u and love u forever,

Mommy

miss you

Hi Myah just wanted to say a quick hi and I love u and miss you.....I wish that this got easier, but it just doesn't. I feel you everyday though. I just wish I could touch you one more time. I love you.

Mommy

hey there little one...

Hi there Myah. It's just mommy again, feeling really sad...like usual. Lots of different things have happened in the last week or so....I hope you are looking out for me daddy and Zoey.

Lots of mixed emotions today, can't believe you have been gone 5 months already...it feels like yesterday....

I have been having a lot of break through episodes, I guess that is what you would call them. It is like for a second about once everyday I am ok with what happened...I understand that there is nothing I can do to change anything, and life seems a little easier to go along with...

....but then there are the other billion seconds in the day, and those are sometimes just too painful to relive.....I know there is no answer....no reason that you are gone; and I am sure it would be no easier if there were....but yet I search for the reasons.....they haunt me.....when will they ever go away...when can I be at peace with your life and your death? When?

Why is life meant to torment so many....I just don't understand this world Myah.

I was watching Oprah yesterday, you know I can't really stand her, but for some reason I was watching. It was a show on spirituality. A lot of the things they said I didn't agree with...some lady on there thought her life was over because she was losing her business, a Bakery. I know that is really sad but I bet she would be worse if losing a child....that is all I could think about. What I wouldn't give to lose my job or my business to have you back...

Then there was an inspirational story on there about a poor woman who went into the hospital for a scheduled csection, delivered a healthy child, but got an overwhelming flesh eating infection and lost both her arms and her legs. Can you imagine? All I could think about Myah in that moment is that I would give anything to be in a wheelchair, with no arms or legs, but have you here with me. I would let death come and take me right now...right at this moment if that meant I could bring you back. You were not done living....I could be.

Maybe there is a reason that I am here and you are not....but children should not die....I would like to make that rule.

I miss you more than I have ever missed anything Myah. I feel like the hole in my heart is growing bigger and bigger and I can't stop but imagine what you would be doing now....walking...probably running from me....and smiling and laughing...oh your laughter was so beautiful. I can't wait to hear it again....

Mommy

angry...sad...

Hey baby, just having a rough night!! I watched the video's that uncle Justin captured with his cell phone around Christmas time, and I loved seeing you alive and happy....just loved it. I am having a hard time with the reality of all of this. It's like it isn't real still, I don't know how to make it real. I know you are gone but it doesn' t seem final.....I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I am so sad all the time, I miss you so much. I want to know why you were taken from me. I am so pissed off that I am here still and you aren't. I wish I was with you, or you with me, but the latter is probably asking too much. I am still waiting to dream about you....please come to me soon.

Mommy

Thinking about you

Hey Myah I have been thinking about you ALOT today, and very sad today. I miss u so much, just wish I was dealing with all of this better :)

Mommy loves u always and forever!