Wow

Wow!  I had almost forgot about this blog.  Needless to say I have not had time to Blog much in the last few years lol!  I kinda fell upon this and reading my old posts was like a knife in my heart.  Remembering all that pain and sadness and guilt.  I am in such a better place now but damn, reading that was rough. For all of u that are still following please know I appreciate you all helping me thru those rocky times.  I will never understand why Myah was taken from me but I am at peace with her death, at least as much as I can be.  I googled her name tonight and one page said that the name Myah means illusion in Hindu. I know my Myah was real and beautiful and perfect, no illusion here. But I did find the reference kind of odd....definitely made me think a bit.  Maybe there are things that I should be seeing that I am not, kind of the opposite of illusion??

Miss Bree has arrived!!

Hey baby girl!! Your sister made a little bit of an early appearance...but I figure you already know that. She is beautiful Myah...just like you. She looks so much like you it is amazing. She has more hair though and it is darker, but in the face you guys look so much alike, at least for now :) Thank you so much for her. I know you had a part in it somehow and I love you for that.

I promise I will take good care of her. I will be able to love her because you showed me how, don't ever forget that. I love you forever and it is hard for me to look at her and know that if you were here she would not be. I don't understand how this world works Myah but I know that just isn't fair. It is not fair to her or to you. But what can I do about it? I loved you more than I thought I could ever love someone, and I hope that I can show Bree that same love. She is my miracle Myah, just like Zoey and you were.

I love you so much!! You are my heart and soul. I will carry you with me forever. Every time I look at Bree I am reminded of you. I hope those reminders get easier as times passes, but even if they don't, she is here because of you. I love you and miss you. I can't wait unitl the day I can hold you again....It will be wonderful!!

Mommy

getting nervous

Hey Myah girl. Missing u a lot these last few days. So nervous to meet this new baby. What will she be like, will she look like you or Zoey? Will she have your calm temperment or Zoey's crazy one?? ha ha

Will I be able to handle all of this?? I sure hope so. I think your dad is worried. Worried that I am going to freak out or something, and who knows.... maybe I will....I just want everything to go as planned. So far this little one is seeming more like your older sister...i thought this pregnancy would be just like it was with you, no problems, on schedule...not so much I don't think :)

Have a little chat with her soon would ya? Tell her that mom needs some guidence during this time, a sneak peak to the future that everything will be ok, or maybe just some hope. We might use that as her middle name : Hope.

Love u baby girl. miss u everyday.

Mommy

remembering....

"I can only bite off chunks of grief in bits and pieces. How else would I manage to get out of bed? "
~ Desire' Aguirre

This quote above was sent to me and it answered a simple question that many have posed to me over the last year....'how do you get out of bed each day?' Well that is how...little bits at a time come in and get processed....the rest is left for later....

We miss you tons Myah. Every minute of everyday.

This baby is coming soon....I am scared, nervous, excited, worried....the list could go on and on. Please watch over her and protect her. I need you to do that for me. Try to watch over me too. I have no idea how I am going to handle this, and that scares me. You know me I like to know how I am going to react to everything. Have it all figured out BEFORE it happens. Funny it never usually works that way but hey I try....

Love you forever baby girl. You will always be my little punkin.

Mommy

Tomorrow is the day

Tomorrow is the day sweet pea. Same weather, same cold temperatures, but I guess how else is it suppose to be in January!



This has been the most challenging year of my life Myah, some things I have come to terms with while others seem so far away still. The why's and the how's will always be there, I realize this. The acceptance may never come, I know this as well.



One thing that will never change though is how you impacted my life. The joy you brought all of us in your short little life. You have changed me forever, as have the circumstances of your departure, but one thing is for certain you will never be forgotten. Your smile radiates this house like the sun. Daddy, Zoey and I love to look at your pictures and remember you.



The circumstances of your death still haunt me, the guilt is still overwhelming at times. But I know you are beside me holding my hand through those times. I think I feel you then. Maybe it is just my imagination, but either way it is comforting.



Just know that we think about you everyday. Not a day goes past that I do not remember you and each of those days my love for you grows stronger and stronger.



I hope you have a wonderful front row seat to our lives and I hope you will be there the day your little sister is born. I believe she is your gift, as well as mine. The challenges that I will face this next year will be overwhelming I think. I have to find the love inside myself that I once had. Your death has numbed me towards love, I need to work on that.



I often thought that I wished you had never walked on this earth, only because it would be so much easier for me, but one lesson I haved learned is we don't get to choose who we love, we just love them and hope for the best. Without you I would not have learned this, but what a harsh price to pay for a lesson learned. I am greatful for the almost 14 months I had with you, and I would never take that back to save myself pain and heartache. I just hope that you have no pain in your heart and that you are happy and healthy where ever you are.



"If you love something let it go...if it comes back to you it is yours forever; if it doesn't it was never yours to begin with." I won't know the answer to that for a long time Myah, but I think I already know....



I love you so much and please continue to be a part of our lives forever and ever.



Love Mommy

Happy Birthday

I can't believe you would be 2 tomorrow Myah. It seems like just yesterday that we brought you home from the hosptial.

I am still so shocked and angry that you aren't here anymore. Why? The questions keep coming after all this time but the answers are so far away.

I know that I have said it a million times but I feel like my love for you is so much stronger than even before you left. I feel connected to you still, almost like you are here.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday and get to celebrate your life. We will be celebrating here. Zoey and I are going to make a cake and we are going to get some balloons, grab Daddy and go to the cemetary to be with you for a bit. So many people want to help me get through tomorrow, but I know that you are the only one that can help, so please do.

As you know you have a little sister in my tummy. I know you put her there for me, and I can't tell you what that means to me. Just help me to be a good mom and not to compare her to you because that will be hard shoes to fill. Most days I don't even feel like I deserve her, but you must so that is good enough for me.

Please just know that we love you so much. Zoey is excited that tomorrow is your birthday, she sees me crying all the time and I really think she is beginning to understand things. She says every once in a while that you are going to come back, it is so sweet. I know she has missed out on so many great opportunities with you, it makes me so sad.

Happy Brithday sweet girl. I love you so much and miss you with all my heart.

Mommy

hi sweetheart

Hey Myah, thinking a lot about you the last few days, just wanted to say hi. Some things have changed around here, but I am sure you know that :)

I have tons of mixed emotions, not sure what or how to feel. I just keep thinking back to that terrible winter day in January, and I can' t help but feel broken inside.

I keep thinking about what you would be like now, almost 2 years old. It hurts so much Myah. The pain is so overwhelming and cruel. There wasn't a day that goes by, and there still isn't, that I didn't love you with all of my heart and I tried to keep you safe. I think about you constantly, I want so badly for this to be untrue and for you to be here with me. I hate the fact that you are gone and I am left here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.

You are my angel, I so look forward to the day I will see you again. I hope that you can forgive me, I am trying really hard to forgive myself.

Love Mommy.